aging parents couple sitting outside near a tree on a sunny day

How Do You Know When It’s Time to Consider Getting Help for Your Aging Parents?

Kay Dee Cole

August 18, 2022

I remember when I noticed that something was changing with my dad. He didn’t seem to remember things he knew how to do all his life. He had a specific way to start a fire in our fireplace. Very methodical in how he placed the newspaper and the kindling.

He started doing things that he’d never done before: Forgetting the newspaper or folding it differently. At first it didn’t seem like a big deal. However, it became apparent that he wasn’t remembering how to do things he used to do without thinking about it.

Click here to watch our on-demand webinar: “Tips to Help When Caring for Your Aging Parents”

It was different with my in-laws. They had long been empty-nesters, but they hated the idea of leaving the home they lived in – the only problem was that the yard was huge and the house was far bigger than they needed. My husband and I knew something needed to change, but they wouldn’t hear it. A few years later, after a few healthcare crises, they knew they couldn’t put it off any longer and moved to an independent living neighborhood. Mind you, one was 93 and the other 84.

Noticing that your aging parents need help often feels like it comes out of nowhere. One day they’re totally capable as they’ve always been, and the next day you suddenly see signs of frailty and everything changes.

If you’re noticing concerning signs in your parents, you may be wondering how seriously to take them. Below, we’ve compiled a list of some common red flags that could mean it’s time to look into helping your parents in some way.

Mental Signs it May be Time to Consider Assisted Living for Your Aging Parents

1. Increased forgetfulness

As you get old, your memory will not be as good as it once was. You will lose your cell phone. That is an inevitable fact that you cannot avoid. What we mean by “increased forgetfulness” is when simple facts and words start to escape them. Or routines they did normally change.

2. Risky driving

Risky driving is one of the most frequently cited signs that your parents might not be able to live independently anymore. Fender-benders can be a clear sign that it might be time to talk to your aging parents. Also taking longer to get somewhere because they forget where they are going.

3. Repeating stories several times in a short period of time

Everybody repeats stories and jokes sometimes, right? But if your mom or dad is telling you the same story two or three times during one visit, then that’s a red flag.

4. Remembering early times as if they happened yesterday

I remember my dad talking about something that happened as a kid, but he wasn’t a kid in the current version. He would also talk about people that were no longer around as if they were. Maybe your parents are referring to someone who has been dead for years as though they’re currently alive.

5. Not calling you by your first name

If your parents aren’t using your first name or just referring to you as “hey, kid”. It may be that they don’t remember your name, which is a definite red flag. My Dad would greet old friends as “Hey neighbor!”

6. Forgetting medications

Most older people know their medication schedule like the back of their hand. If your parents are starting to let things slip, that could be a sure sign that you need to take action soon.

Physical Signs it May be Time to Consider Assisted Living for Your Parents

There are multiple physical signs that it may be time to consider assisted living for your parents.

One thing to keep in mind with some of these: If you’re not living with your parents or frequently spending extended lengths of time with them, then you may not notice these. For instance, your mom may drop a dish when you are over there for lunch one day and you may think nothing of it.

But what you may not know is that she also dropped a dish while walking to the sink last night and while preparing breakfast the day before that. Watch out for signs like broken dishes in the trash and messes on the floor that may indicate a bigger issue.

Click here to watch our on-demand webinar: “Tips to Help When Caring for Your Aging Parents”

1. Trouble taking care of simple tasks

One early physical sign to watch out for is if your mom or dad is having a difficult time focusing on simple tasks like food prep or changing clothes. Keep in mind, as people age, they will inevitably slow down. That’s not necessarily a red flag. You want to watch out for when they find themselves stopping and restarting multiple times on simple tasks.

2. Dropping items more often than usual

Everyone drops dishes sometimes, but if your parents are dropping dishes or other things they can’t hold on to more often than usual (multiple times per week), then that could be a strong sign that they will need help soon.

3. Hunched over or not moving around as much

“If you don’t use it, you lose it.” Personal trainers spout this phrase often and that’s because it’s true. If your parents don’t move around much, then that could mean that they are losing the physical ability to take walks or stand up straight.

4. Unsteady walking, tripping or falling

A single fall can be a life-altering event for people of a certain age, often resulting in a broken hip or other injury that could be very difficult to recover from. If your parent is swaying when they stand up or otherwise unsteady on their feet, that’s a surefire sign that help may be needed soon.

5. Sleeping longer than usual

If your aging parent sleeps frequently throughout the day, it may be a sign of a bigger issue. For instance, dementia often makes sleeping at night difficult, leaving people exhausted during the day.

6. Not having food on hand; can’t get to grocery store.

Not going to the grocery store could happen for several reasons: limited mobility, not mentally noticing that they need more food or something else.

Next Steps

If any of those signs sound familiar, now may be a good time to start looking into what your options are for assisted living. And even if you don’t see these signs, talk about it now. So where do you start?

Find a time to talk to your parents

Bringing up the subject of getting assistance with your parents may feel pretty intimidating. That’s okay – no one feels totally comfortable with it, so just know that that’s normal. My husband and I talked to his parents about getting help. Hiring a cleaning service and some landscaping crew. But when it came to moving we hit a wall. However, I wished we had discussed it earlier. It becomes more difficult the longer it goes.

Just be aware that it won’t be easy: Your parents will not be excited to give up their independence. Even if they don’t fight you on it, there will still be sadness there. That’s okay. Give them space and time to grieve.

The sooner you can have the conversation with them, the better. If you wait until they can’t take care of themselves anymore, then you will have to rush through it and it will be far more stressful for everyone involved.

Look into your long-term care options

When it comes to long-term care, you have several options available. In home, out of home, independent living, assisted living – you’ll want to do some research to find out what makes the most sense for your parents and your situation.

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If you have been named as a beneficiary of a trust, you probably have many questions about what comes next. Trusts can take many forms and may be governed by unique provisions established by the creator of the trust or “grantor.” As a trust beneficiary, you have certain rights. But to ensure that your financial and other interests are fully protected, you need some basic information about different trust structures and their management.

Trust Basics

At their most basic, trusts can be grouped into two broad categories – living trusts and testamentary trusts. A living trust is created by an individual during his or her lifetime. The grantor transfers property to a trust that is managed for the trust beneficiaries by a trustee. The grantor may act as trustee, or he or she may appoint another family member or family advisor, such as an attorney or accountant to be the trustee. A testamentary trust is established by will upon the death of the person whose assets it represents. Testamentary trusts can be used for many purposes; chief among them to provide for current and future beneficiaries.

In either case, it is the trustee who is charged with administering the trust in strict accordance with its terms. If this so-called fiduciary duty of the trustee is breached in some way, beneficiaries have the right to protect their interests by taking legal action against the trustee.

Role of the Trustee

Following is a brief overview of the trustee’s role and responsibilities.

• Asset collection and protection – Two of the trustee’s key responsibilities are collecting assets earmarked for the trust and ensuring the protection of those assets. For instance, if real estate is included as a trust asset, the trustee is responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of the property and maintaining appropriate insurance on the property. In the case of financial assets, such as cash or securities, the trustee must maintain one or more separate accounts on behalf of trust beneficiaries.

• Investment oversight – The trustee ensures there is a plan in place to address the needs and interests of current and future beneficiaries. Typically, trust investments are expected to generate income for beneficiaries while also retaining and reinvesting principal. In some cases, the trustee may have the authority to make distributions of principal to beneficiaries.

• Taxes – The trustee reports all income generated by trust assets and pays tax on any undistributed income as well as capital gains realized by the trust. In addition, the trustee informs beneficiaries of the amounts that they must report on their personal income tax returns as a result of trust distributions.

• Recordkeeping – The trustee is responsible for documenting every transaction that takes place in the trust accounts. Prior to final settlement, the trustee must demonstrate to the beneficiaries that all assets and income have been properly administered and distributed.

Beneficiary Right to Action

In addition to regular accounting of trust assets, beneficiaries have a right to request a special accounting from the trustee if there is reason to suspect a problem with the trustee’s performance of his or her fiduciary role. If it is found that the trustee is in violation of his or her responsibilities or fails to provide proper documentation of trust activity, then the beneficiary has the right to take legal action, including removing the trustee and requesting a replacement. Such action is normally handled by filing a petition with the local probate court.

Revocable vs. Irrevocable Trusts

Living trusts may be revocable or irrevocable. As its name implies, property held in a revocable trust may be “revoked” at any time; the terms of the trust may be changed and assets returned to the grantor. He or she can establish detailed instructions as to the handling of trust assets during his or her life and ensure continuity of management upon incapacity or death. Revocable trusts need not be filed in probate court after death, thus maintaining family privacy. However, the grantor will be subject to income and estate tax as if the property were owned outright.

In contrast, assets placed in an irrevocable trust are permanently removed from the grantor’s estate, and any income and/or capital gains taxes owed on assets in the trust are paid by the trust. Upon the grantor’s death, the assets in the trust are not considered part of his or her estate and are therefore not subject to estate taxes.

Irrevocable Trusts Offer Lifetime Giving to Beneficiaries

While requiring some loss of grantor control, a properly drafted irrevocable living trust allows individuals of substantial wealth to begin transferring assets to beneficiaries during their lifetime without incurring gift or estate tax. (Please note that a three-year survival period may be required in certan situations).

For example, the normal annual limit on tax-free gifts is $14,000 per beneficiary in 2015, an amount that may be indexed for inflation in future years. Under some circumstances, a taxpayer may include amounts above that in his or her unified estate and gift tax exclusion amount ($5.43 milliion in 2015 for an individual, twice that for a married couple, and subject to indexing for inflation in subsequent years). In addition, upon the grantor’s death, appreciation on the remaining trust assets is not subject to estate tax (assuming any three-year survival requirements are met).

Being named as a beneficiary of a trust is indeed a welcome event, but not without its complications and, if handled improperly, unfortunate consequences. For help understanding your rights and protecting your inheritance, it may be wise to engage the services of an experienced trust attorney.

Financial Planning Association
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